


His "R"

by fandomsurfer



Series: "R" series [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Based off of "My R", Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Platonic Relationships, Suicide Attempt, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-28 22:59:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18766042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandomsurfer/pseuds/fandomsurfer
Summary: Just as he was about to take his shoes off on the rooftopthere he sees a girl with braided hair there before himDespite himself he goes and screams"Hey! Dont do it please!"





	His "R"

**Author's Note:**

> Okay let me say this has suicidal thoughts!! If this triggers you please, please, please dont read this! 
> 
> Also I do not in anyway condone Suicide or think its a okay thing to do. If you have an issue with this please consult someone you trust and go to your local suicide hotline service.

   Walking up to the top of the ccg building was something Juuzou Suzuya did often. It wasnt anything strange or new to anyone at all. He had a cheerful hop in his step as he walked up the stairs, humming a happy tune as he went along. It was normal for the boy to be chipper but today he had a duller glint in his ruby eyes. Not that anyone noticed. He was especially good at hiding his emotions, he had long since trained himself not to be outward with them. If he ever annoyed his Mama with his "unsightly" emotions there would be an particularly long good boy session.

 

_Just as he was about to take his shoes_

_off on the rooftop there he sees_

_a girl with braided hair there before him_

_despite himself he goes and screams_

_"Hey, dont do it Mado!"_

 

   The special investigator finally reached the top of the building and opened the door to the roof. A twisted feeling of relief swirled inside his chest, because he finally, f _inally_ , didnt have to live with this damned feeling of pain, guilt, and self loathing anymore. 'You...Have to take off your shoes right?' Juuzou had thought to himself about to do just that but something caught his eye. 

He wasnt alone. A familiar figure with blonde hair braided onto her head stood there before him on the rooftop, dangerously close to the edge.

Akira mado. They werent close to each other, not really. But they did have a mutual respect for one another. She treated him as an equal from day one, never looking at him with the eyes most everyone else did. Everyone but him. Shino-

_No. Stop._ Dont think about him. Not now. 

It was impulsive really. The shout that left his lips when he saw the the womans foot move a little to close off the building.

"Hey, Dont do it Mado!"

 

_Woah, wait a minute what did he just say?_

_He couldnt care less either way._

_To be honest he was somewhat pissed._

_This was an opportunity missed._

 

 

   Akiras body stiffened as she looked over her shoulder to look at the owner of the voice, lifeless purple hues widening in surprise. Juuzou himself was surprised. Why? Why'd he do that? 

It wouldnt matter to him if she wasnt around anymore or not. His world would keep moving, his life would go on the same as it would before. So why? 

However, among the surprise at himself was an anger. An anger that this person had ruined his own opportunity to stand on the edge of the rooftop and do exactly what she herslef was planning to do. 

Not any of that showed on the raven haired males face or even voice. He had his out of place smile on his face, and the sentence he uttered came out a little to joyous for the situation. But something in it mustve caught Akiras fancy because she had stepped away from the edge and turned towards him. 

"Juuzou..." Came an utterance of his name but nothing else. It seems the blonde beauty didnt even know what to say for herself in this situation.

So Juuzou decided to simply tilt his head an ask a blunt question, curiosity in his voice. "Why?"

Because seriously, this is _Akira Mado,_ someone he perceived to have a lot going for her. Shes rising in ranks, one of the very few females he's seen do so, has a very intellectual mind, and beauty to match. Not to mention she has so much wits he himself had a hard time keeping up with her sarcasm sometimes.  

So why would she, of all people, want to do something as desperate as suicide? 

 

_The girl with braided hair told me her woes:_

_"You've probably heard it all before._

_I really thought that he might be the one,_

_but then he turned out to be gone."_

 

    The blonde woman then told him her reasoning of going there that night.

"Do you remember them? Investigator Amon and Takizawa?" Mado said with a steely expression on her face that masked a deep pain. A pain he could now understand, but dearly wished he hadnt.

"Hmm? What about them?" Juuzou hummed, moving his stitched arms behind his back before shifting his weight on the balls of his feet. Memories of the two mentioned males flashed through his mind. Seidou-Annoying, naive, Seidou- and himself hadnt gotten along well. They argued more times then anyone liked and he had even punched the bruentte for daring to take his candy once. 

He and Amon hadnt gotten on well either. The tall man was to bossy and uptight for him, always lecturing him and telling him what he can and cant do. Though he was fun to scare.  

"I...I loved them. Both of them." The woman continued fists clenched at her sides breathing becoming heavier then before. "Amon and I were finally getting close. Takizawa had distanced himself from me and my father had just gotten killed by a ghoul, just like my mother. Then Amon...He was there for me. Stayed by me and taught me how to live again." 

Red eyed blinked at her, listening and waiting for her next line of words. 

"I thought that maybe he would be the one I would want by my side. But...he never came back from the raid at anteku. And to make matters worse...neither did Takizawa. I...Have no one left anymore." Akiras words became more shaky and her eyes a little more glassy as she continued but never did he see a tear fall.

But...This was her reason?

 

_"For gods sake, please!_

_Are you serious?!_

_I just cant believe,_

_that for some stupid reason you got here before **me**!_

_Are you upset cause you cant have what you wanted?_

_Youre lucky that youve never gotten robbed of anything!"_

 

_"_ Oh, really? This is it? Your reasoning?" His words has a more annoyed tint in it as he stepped closer to the taken aback woman.  Red eyes narrowed as grabbed the girl by the cuff of her coat and brought her down to his, albeit shorter, height. "I honestly cant believe you came here before me for a reason as stupid as that, Associate special investigator Mado!" 

Akiras eyes flashed with anger, and maybe hurt, as she grabbed the wrist connected to the hand currently pulling her down. Her pretty mouth opened about to argue back at him but he didnt let her because _how dare she stop him from leaving this cursed world because of something like that._

_"_ Are you upset because you cant have the happy future you wanted? Is that it Mado-san?" The boys voice was icier then its been in a while as he spoke. "Well youre lucky youve never been robbed of anything like I have! You need to push past this because its nothing you cant get back up from. " He wasnt the best at pep talks in the best of times, and it isnt occurring to him that maybe this isnt how you should speak to someone who just tried to off themself, but he wasnt specifically trying to stop her. 

It just pissed him off that because of something like that he was stopped. Because he understood what she was saying. But he had gone through so much worse and still held onto the will to live. He was robbed of his childhood, for his body to grow correctly like any other boys would, to know emotions like everyone else, and to have a father figure by his side and not sleeping in a hospital bed. He would never know the feeling of a happy home, of knowing the difference between hot and cold because of his bodys numbness. 

And she was going to go off and die because of something as trivial as not getting her happily ever after?

 

_"Im feeling better thank you for listening."_

_The girl with braided hair then disappeared._

 

   Purple eyes stared at him listlessly for a silent minute as the two stared off. Before her hands gently pushed off his own. The touch lingered for a moment, and gratitude filled Akiras face before a small, almost undectiable had it not been for his perceptiveness, curve of her lips became a smile. A tired but genuine one.   

"I'm feeling better now that I spoke about it, Suzuya. " She spoke tone gaining a little bit of her normal strength back. The woman gave a squeeze to his cold hands before starting to walk to the rooftops entrance, her heels clicking as she did so. "Thanks. For listening I mean." 

As she closed the door behind her his eyes shifted to the spot she stood as the edge of the building. A dark thought of 'Do it now. She left. You can jump.' crossed his mind.

But...Maybe he can handle one more day. He had just convinced Mado to after all. 

* * *

 

_'Alright todays the day' or so he thought._

_Just as he took both of his shoes off_

_There was but a boy tall as can be_

_despite_ _himself he goes and screams_

 

 

Today hes gonna do it. He's even written a note and everything. Its at his apartment sitting on his bed, all written neatly just like Shinohara had taught him. Juuzou had managed to take off his slippers this time before freezing. Once again a familiar figure stood on the edge of the building, this one tall and shaking a bit. The sound of sniveling reached his ears and he realized that, Oh, this persons crying.

This time his scream was more intentional but...He was tempted to just let him be and go along with his own plan. Maybe go to a different building. But his newly found sense of responsibility for this particular person made that hard to do.  

"Hanbee! Dont do it!"

Hanbee Abara jumped at the sound of his leaders voice, body then sinking further in on itself. Crimson eyes watched their target as the younger but taller man turned to look at the person across from him. The long haired mans arms was wrapped around himself as salty tears ran down his face and dripped onto the hard top of the CCG. They made a soft dripping noise upon impact that Juuzou had almost found entertaining.

"S-Suzuya-Senpai...I-Im So-So sorry you h-had...to see me l-like this." The man apologized tearfully, pausing to hiccup and sniff here and there. It seemed he was more of a cryer and was able to talk easier then Akira had the day before. But the stitched man could have guessed that from a mile away. He knew Hanbee like the back of his hand. He was soft hearted, and cried at the smallest of things. It always annoyed him to no end but he was trying his best to encourage him, to help him succeed just as he knew Shinohara would have wanted him to do. 

So why is he standing there today?

"This isnt the time for apologies Hanbee." Came a almost causual response, the males face unreadable. A visible flinch overcame the crying mans features as his tears only seemed to quicken. But Suzuya paid them no mind and asked the question he wanted a answer to.

"Why?"    

 

_The tall man him his woes:_

_"Youve probably heard it all before..._

  _Everyone ignores me, everyone steals..._

_I dont fit in with anyone here."_

 

"Its...Its nothing original." Hanbee muttered eyes downcast as he spoke. "All my ideas are po-pointless and no one seems to t-yake me seriously. I-I dont fit in with anyone at the CCG. Im not strong like y-you all." Came the tall mans studdering and teary response. It seemed he truly believed what he had said. And perhaps in a different context Suzuya would be able to better approach the situation.

A silence over took the two on the rooftop with nothing but the sound of Hanbees not so quiet crying. Juuzou took in a deep breath as he looked up at his underlings crying face.

But this was really why he came there that day? Seriously?

 

_"For gods sake, please!_

_Are you serious?!_

_I just cant believe,_

_that for some stupid reason you got here before **me**!_

_Cause even so! youre still loved by everone at home!_

_Theres always dinner waiting on the table, y'know!?_

 

 

Before etither of them knew it Juuzou had speed over the where the other male was and grabbed his wrist, successfully pulling him away from the edge. 

"Suzuya-Senpai I-" The words that Hanbee was about to speak were interrupted by the unusally angry voice of the small boy before him. 

"Are you actually serious Hanbee?! Something like that will make you so easily throw yourself of a building?" He shouted, his stitched hand gripping the wrist in its grasp tighter then before. There would probably be some bruises on them later on but right now Juuzou had other things to think about. Like the absolutely shocked look on Hanbees face.

"I cant believe you got here before I did because of _that!"_  His voice got louder as he was just sick of this. First Akira and now Hanbee? And both because of dumb reasons? 

Hanbee was staying quiet and taking in the words of the man before him eyes wide and tears silently streaming down his face like a salty river of sorts.

"Because even if you are different, or weaker, people still love you." The raven haired male started now glaring into shocked eyes. "The whole squad would miss you if you died, if would effect our team very heavily!" 

"Theres always a dish made for you at dinner you know?!" 

He himself was never lucky enough to have such a privilege. Dinner was never something he got growing up, he was lucky to even get a scrap of anything. Hanbee thought he didnt fit in? Why would he ever think that? 

Juuzou has never, even remotely fit it. Because of his backround and odd behavior most people didnt dare associate with him at the academy. Rumors about him killing cats, Creatures he adored, spreading like wildfire. He had gotten picked on a few times by other kids even. Not that he let that fly, no those who tried always got mangled up pretty bad. But it didnt change the alienating feeling he got from it.  

Not only that but people at the CCG had even spread rumors about him and how he was more ghoul like then human. They all looked down on him with fear, resentment, and annoyance. So how in the world did _Hanbee_ come to think he didnt belong?  

    

_"Im hungry." said the boy as he shed a tear._

_The boy tall as can be then disappeared._

 

Juuzou had let go of the taller mans wrist after his outburst and looked up at the man wanting to see how his words affected him. Would they push him over the edge? Or would they be helpful like with Mado the day before?

Another lone tear fell from a widened eye as a hand went up to wipe it. "Im...Hungry. Its dinnertime isnt it, Senpai?" Hanbee let out a quiet chuckle a smile forming on his face before turning to walk to the door.  "We should get going...Nakarai will yell at us if we're late." The man clad in his black uniform opened the door before decending down the steps.

The now alone stitched male walked to the egde of the building and looked down. A longing to become one with the air, and just be free overtook his senses for a minute before he shook his head.

Not today either...He had to go eat dinner with his squad like Hanbee said. He could hold on just once more. The short boy walked back to his slippers and put them back on before following his tall subordinate down the stairs.  

* * *

 

 

_And like that there was someone everyday._

_I listened to their tale, I made them turn away._

_And yet there was no one who would do this for me_

_No way I could let out all this pain..._

 

 

For a while everytime Juuzou stepped foot on the roof someone else awaited him. Some he wouldnt have expected to be on the edge others he wasnt so surprised about.

Urie Kuki, Saiko Yonebayashi, even Ui Koori. His words and actions had caused then all the back away from their previous intentions and leave.

But no one had stopped to ask him why he was there. No one reached out to try and help him release his own inner demons, even as he helped them with theirs.

But that was the way the human mind worked Juuzou supposed. When your focused on your own suffering youre blind to others.

 

* * *

 

 

_For the very first time there He sees_

_someone with the same pains as him_

_having to do this again he laughed_

_He wore a black eyepatch_

 

 

Juuzou was once again on the other side of the edge looking at the male ahead on him, a eyepatch covering the ghoulish image.

But even as the raven haired man let out a disbelieving chuckle at the repetitive situation he recognized that this time...

Maybe he could relate with the reasoning this particular person had to say. They both had very similar pains after all.

So this time his voice was a little more soft when he asked his curious question.

"Why Tooru?"

 

_"I just want to stop the scars the grow_

_every time that I go home._

_Thats why I came up here instead."_

_Thats what the boy in the eyepatch said._   

 

"I...I just want to stop the scars I keep getting. Every time I go home I hate what I see and...I hurt myself. I hear by fathers voice all the time telling me how I should look, and act." Mutsuki said the usual timid voice now devoid of anything that made it gentle. It was now broken and cracked like it wanted to cry but simply couldnt find any tears to do so. "So I came up here insead. So I dont have to go through that anymore." The quinx said looking up into Juuzous own red eyes and stared. It was as If he was searching for something in there.

Juuzou continued looking back and opened his mouth but...couldnt find the words to say. With every other person he was able to find what to say to make them stop. To make them go home, even if that wasnt his intention at first. He was still able to do it.

But..Now?

Juuzou understands exactly what Mutsuki means.  He himself has his own self inflicted scars hidden under a black sleeve. He still hears his mamas voice telling him to play the chef and the pig with people, and that he needs to dress like a girl and look pretty. Like a little doll.  

As the pale man was staring with wider eyes then usual the darker skinned man gave a saddened smile and turned around and closed emerald eyes about to take the jump.

 

_Woah, wait a minute what did He just say?_  

_He couldnt care less either way._

_But in the moment He just screamed_

_Something he did not believe._

_"Tooru...Dont do...It Please!"_

 

A stitched hand reached out and grabbed the back of the other mans shirt before he could fully go through with it, pulling him back. While doing so it knocked both of the two backwards and onto the rooftops ground.  Juuzous hands stayed on the back of Mutsukis shirt as he leaned his forehead on his back. 

"Tooru...Dont do...It please!" 

He himself doesnt know why he said it. Why he stopped the petite man from ending his suffering. Once again...His world would continue turning...Nothing much would change. So why? Why'd he reach out like this despite not knowing what to say to stop it? 

He could feel Mutsukis ragged breaths and just knew the younger man was getting emotional now. But he also knew it wouldnt be enough to stop him.

 

_Ah, what to do?!_

_I cant stop this boy, oh, this is new._

_For once I think Ive bitten off more then I can chew..._

 

What can he do? What can he say? How will Juuzou stop Mutsuki? 

Feeling tears starting to well up in his bloody eyes for the first time in  a long time he realized...He cant. He cant stop this boy. No words he has can stop Mutsuki Tooru from jumping. Moving closer to the boys back the superior investigator let his tears soak into the back of the shirt. His shoulders would shaking silently and he quietly sniffled.

He cant do anything this time.  This one was just out of his hands. 

 

_But even so-_

_"Please just go away so I cant see!_

_Your pitiful expression is just to much for me!"_

 

Mutsuki had turned around in his grasp at some point and is now staring at him with tears in the corners of his visible green eye, their knees touching each others from their close proximity. Juuzous head is now hanging as his small pale hands covered his crying eyes. He just...couldnt bare to look at Mutsukis face any longer...

Because-Because the stitched male _knew_ that expression! Hes _worn_ that expression! It hurts to look at it and see himself!

And dispite knowing he cant say anything to stop Mutsuki he...He still cant bare to stay silent!

"Just-Just go away! I dont want to look at that pitiful expression anymore!" The man cried out voice cracking and nose snotty. _Pitiful_. Thats exactly what this whole ordeal was.  _Absolutely pitiful._ He had gone through so,  _so_  much worse and hes crying now?

 

_"I guess todays just not my day."_

_He walked away from me and then he disappeared._

 

   

Mutsuki let his own tears falls before giving a morose smile. "I guess...Today is just not it, huh?" 

The teen then stood up causing Juuzous watery, and now puffy, eyes to look up, Nails scratching the hard pavement and teeth gnawing his lip.

The green haired slowly walked away to the entrance and Juuzous mouth opened in shock as he watched the door close.  

"I...Dont understand."

And he didnt. Why didnt Mutsuki jump? How did his pathetic crying help him?

* * *

 

 

_Theres no one here today I guess its time._

_Its just me, myself and I._

_Theres no one who can interfere._

_No one to get in my way here._

 

Ah. It was empty this time. No ones on the other side of the edge.  No Akira. No Hanbee.

...No Mutsuki.

Taking off his slippers once again, Juuzou walked over to the edge of the building.

Looking at the view Juuzou remembered all the times he came up here to think. 

...This would be the last time he'd do that.

This would be the last time he did anything.

And isnt that...amazing?

He could finally be free without anyones interference.

 

_Taking off my black squads coat,_

_watching my threads all come undone,_

_this petite boy short as can be,_

_is gonna jump now and be free._

 

  Deciding its best to take off his coat he did so, only being left in his dark button up and suspenders instead. He let go of his squads coat watching it flutter down to the ground.  Then deciding to make himself look somewhat presentable he started to take out his stitches. He had stitched himself just far enough to keep the threads in, so he didnt bleed. At least thats a plus he guesses.

Letting his out of place smile form on his face again Juuzou closed his red eyes and put his arms out to his sides almost like how a bird would. Birds... 

Yes. He'll be free like them very soon.  

Just as he felt his feet leave the ground he felt a pair of hands grab him by the wrist and snapped his eyes open and looked up.

His eyes widened as he got pulled onto solid ground and he felt his eyes water at the sight before him. 

Mutsuki had pulled him up and was sitting to his side. Currently crying and staring at him with a look of complete understanding, Mutsukis hand that was holding his wrist moved down to grip hand tightly.

Hanbee had ran forward and embraced Juuzou sobbing out a 'Suzuya-Senpai dont do that again!'

Akira was kneeled to his other side and placed a hand on his head giving another one of her small but meaningful smiles as she held back her own tears.

"Sorry we're late. It wont happen again." The blonde said a breathy tone in her voice as the black haired boy shook his head. 

Juuzou couldnt believe it...

They actually saved him.  

"Thank you..." He quietly responded feeling his shoulders bounce with his silent sobs, as the no longer stitched boy leaned into his subordinates hold and squeezed Mutsukis hand back a thought crossed his mind. That maybe... 

Just maybe....They could help him live just as he did for them.

 


End file.
